My Greatest Fear....

Recently, I have begun to identify more clearly about my fear. I am constantly in fear. My anxiety is relatively high almost on a daily basis. Can't imagine rite? Well thats the fact.

I dont' sleep well. and these days don't even think straight no more.

I am able to define one of my greatest fear. I have loads but one of the biggest one is growing old alone without anyone beside me. Of course then that would relate to my status of being single. I know my parents is not going to be here forever. There will come a time when they would too need to leave this place called earth to be with God.

What will become of me then? Can i rely on my sibillings who have their own family to care for.

Why this fear? I guess if you are someone who has loads of friends who are by your side and you have friends whom you spend alot of time with or alot of friends, you probably won't be feeling this.

I am a person who is more skewed to being introverted. I am very cautious about bla-ing things to people. Therefore, probably harder for people to get to know me. I personally feel that I am a nice and good person minus the torrent temper sometimes.

Dunno why its so tough to find a person to share my life with. You know what else, I think part of the problem is that I dont' go out much. I hate parties, I dislike bars.. discos... The smokes kills me.. I enjoy things i wish sometimes, I can find friends or just a activity partner to share with.

Some people tell me to pray harder. I guess praying hard for the last 10 years should account for something. I don't know. But nothing has yet to happen. I feel like giving up as I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

FYI, i never thought I will ever blog and tell people about me! Coz ME = Personal. unless i know and trust you enough :P

Blogging for me is an indication that I have come a long way in letting people know abit about me. Prior to this, you probably have to spend a gazillion hours with me before you get to know the real me :)

Imagine my best friend is someone I knew from kindy????!?!?!?! But unfortunately in this past year, I have lost her to this cult..... Which almost got me too but thank God that He made me realize it.

I hope my greatest fear will not become a reality.....
Therefore, my readers..... please keep me in your prayers as I know you have found people to share your life with. I wish for that too... SOON.................

Pointy Shoes

Alrighty... by now, if you have been reading my blogs you would know that I have this obsession with shoes and bags.

But unfortunately, the shoes sold these days I can't really wear 'em. Why?? coz I have broad feet and i can't really squash them into those pointy front shoes.... I am already nursing shoe corn right now.... i can't afford to get more.. dang!!!!!!!!

Gosh... I need those square toes and chunky heels to be back in fashion. Will they ever be back!!!

I miss you!!!!!! :(

RestRooms and all that............

Public TOILETSSSS or a better way of putting it, Public Restrooms. Hmmm.. Okay, I pretty much sick of the sight of our public restrooms. I think every M-sian , can identify with my view of the public restrooms. People would think that office restrooms are better but some can be horrifying too.

I recently was attending training at one of the tech training center in town. One thing I am not able to understand and still dont' is why the heck people have to spray the whole toilet seat wet!?!?!?!??! Granted that we know certain " group " of people don't use paper as they are not permitted to use toilet paper hence they need the water pipe thingy in the stall.

But for heaven's sake , think of the rest of the users too. The blinking thing is wet!!!! how do you expect one to sit on it. Something worse when u go to the public restrooms in malls and all, where you have to pay a fee to get in and you get in and the place just reeks of ammonia and the floor is wet!!! like it had rained non stop. You get into a stall and find tissue paper everywhere and sometimes pee on the seat and such.

And you wonder why people choose to squatting on the seat covers instead of sitting!!!!
Doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

I think M-sians should actually change their attitude. THey suck. I dont' think anyone likes to pay or go into such a horrendous place to do their nature call.

Maybe they should remove the water pipes.. .then it would be drier but would it be any cleaner? I DOUBT it...

The Untitled

Yesterday, I met up with LL and somethings she mentioned during the meeting touched home. Like how she said about prayer. Sometimes you don't need to say anything, just stay silent and tell the Lord to help you hear and feel.

Funnily, couple of weeks ago, i wrote in my journal that I don't know how to pray. yesh I keep a journal which I the first line is DEAR JC. So this kinda touched home, in a way, I actually didn't have to say anything. All I had to do is lift up whats in my heart to JC.

I wonder sometimes why people are drawn to religion? I myself wonder too sometimes. But as i wonder about it, i also know that eventhough I have doubts and somethings that I disagree on sometimes but i will always return to my good old faith. Why? maybe it gives me a sense of being rooted. Maybe people who don't have religion finds some consolation in other ways, like the priest once said all the -isms. Materialism, feminism.. blablablaa.. and make those as their religion.

sigh..................

still a lost soul........................

Updates from Kenya

I received my second letter from Kenya. I am very surprised as this one was dated in april too. Couple of weeks after the 1st one was sent. I am surprised coz she told me that she will be back home by end of May and its almost the end of May.

Her letter to me tells me that she has made a decision about what she wanted to do. It wasn't her calling to be full time in the missionary. To me its a beautiful letter. In this letter, she tells me that she now sees clearly what God's calling is for her which is to be in charge of her own family at home which over the year she has found it hard and let go of it all. she also discovered that this time away from home and in Kenya has made her realised that people is the one matters. Other people and not yourself.

she has in her letter to me suggested that i take this path to go to Kenya and experience it. As she find that it will give me the peace of mind and heart that I have been looking for.

I am not sure though but at least I know there is an option for me when i do decide.

Its great to receive letters like real snail mail instead of emails... :) Its so great to see the handwriting of a person.

I used to write home alot when I was in the US. and every holiday i went, i try to mail a post card home from the places I have been.

Sentimental person ... thats who I am... :)
maybe that is why its do difficult for me to put the past away.

Doing something for the Environment

As you know, I just came back from my nature trip :)
But I have been a MNS member for 3 years plus now. But unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to participate in any of the activities yet as the ones that I wanted to join is always full.

On thursday, I had to go to church for day of obligation - ascension day. Since mass is at 7.30pm, I decided to stop by Amcorp mall to go to the internet cafe. As you all know by now, the place I am staying in right now doesn't have phone line nor internet access.

While I was walking into the building, I was stopped by this guy dressed in a white tshirt holding a WWF logo. He was explaining me this and that balblabla. Trying to convince me to be a donor for WWF. I mean after going to the Elephant Santuary at Kuala Gandah, Pahang, I realized that its very difficult to conserve these animals and the cost is high. So they need funds and the only way to supplement the funds from the govt is to appeal to the public for monetary help.

So I decided that I want to help conserve the env for the future generation. Taman Negara being the last forest around. I wanted to help.... So i decided to donate 30 ringgit a month. Yes. that would be deducted automatically from my credit card every 4 months once. They are doing the forth monthly thingy to help save administrative cost.

We earn money , dont' you think we should do somethings for the society instead of being my colleague who talks about one day helping people and doing some missionary work but half the time she only buys gucci, LV stuff. ???? contridicts right?

Anyways, I should be sending a cheque ( or check as americans will type) to the Monfort Boys school. Help them survive.

I don't know how much this is considered a change but the little bit that I do, I hope someone will benefit from it.

The Labour Day Weekend

We had a long weekend last week. It was our labour day which happened to fall on a Sunday and automatically Monday is a public holiday.

I went on a 4x4 Adventure trip. So whats this trip all about. Well the activites in this trip are
1) White River Rafting
2) 4X4 off road ride
3) Visiting of santuary of Elephants and blablabla.

Anyhow, the trip was good, but seeing that it didn't rain in Pahang so the river was pretty low tide. Hence the rapids wasn't that many and ride down turned out to be less exciting. But before the ride we had to do all the water confidence thingy including jumping down form the rocks to the river where the water was pretty swift. And also the capsize activity. It was cool tho' But becoz i had to take off my glasses, my head hurts after that and I spent the rest of the evening at the hotel restroom, puking. Probably due to the heat.

The second day we went on a 4x4 ride at Sungai Chalit. Pretty cool.. got bruises to show it. We went in using Grade 2 Path and came back using Grade 4 path. The grade 4 one was totally awesome but at the same time pretty scary. 5 of us at the back and 3 of us standing in a row , holding on to the rails. :) I am still waiting for the pictures to be placed in the drive. The ones I took is only when the 4x4 stopped. We also stopped at the water falls which was totally cool.
This isn't my first 4x4 trip. I went for one couple years ago with my ex company. That was we had to camp. THis one, hehe.. we stayed in an aircon hotel.

All in all I thought the trip was pretty good. And paying about RM240 only. For me it was worth the money but for others I don't know. Some people complained it was too expensive.

Well since these days, I can only blog from the internet cafe during weekends, I shall load the pictures another time. :)

Gosh I miss the free internet access at work thingy. And my new place has no phone line.. Sucks big time.